Monthly Archives: April 2017

Appointment with Myself

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I would never have figured the hardest thing to do would be to make an appointment with myself.  In an effort to finally make space for my writing, I thought perhaps if I got out of the house I could actually concentrate.  Well.

I planned to go to the library at 10AM.  An hour and a half later, after multiple distractions, I am here.  Of course one of the distractions was that I could not find the notebook I planned to use.  I’d read somewhere that using a 3 ring notebook and loose leaf paper is helpful because then you can write pieces of a larger work in any order and rearrange them later. But even though I’d seen it recently, today it was nowhere to be (easily) found.  Oh well.  So….I am improvising.  I can’t be the only disorganized writer out there.

I need to get comfortable with giving myself permission to both exist and pursue my own passions.  Leave it to me to feel guilty about wanting a whole library table to myself.  How ridiculous is that?  I seems that my social dysfunction goes much deeper than I ever figured now that I am actually trying to move forward.

What was that thing I read that says that you know you’re going in the right direction when your resistance raises its ugly head?  It surely did!  But – since I’m here I’m going to finally write some of this stuff the heck outta my brain…..

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Maybe the Universe Still Sends Signs….

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I’ve been in the doldrums for 6 months to a year now. Not exactly depressed, but stuck. Stuck in indecision, simultaneously having too many and too few choices. It started coming to a head a few weeks before spring break. Left with little time to puzzle it out, I buried my nose in laundry and travel preparations. We had such a great week with our families – getting to go out and see some of my old stomping grounds, and catching up with everyone. Getting to see my twin toddler nieces in person, watch their adorable antics. Visit with our extended families and just soak up Home.

And then we got back.

For two days, I was tired enough that I could ignore it. The kids and I slept in, and I did a ton of laundry to get ready for the restart of school. Wednesday morning the kids went back to school, and I went back to my usual weekday routine. At least, I tried to. What actually happened was I alternated between escaping into fluffy fanfiction, catching up on sleep, and trying to ignore the enormous black hole of loneliness that opened up a yawning cavern inside me once the busy-ness was gone.

Mind you – I’ve been pretty successfully ignoring it for a number of years. Several years of unpacking my church experience and researching every religion and spirituality known to man. Several *more* years of wrestling with my demons and cleaning the skeletons out of my spiritual closet. And the last couple years reconstructing my battered soul into some semblance of Self again.

It’s been a Good and Useful Work and I feel much more my own self than I have in years. I’ve benefited greatly from my time in the “Hermit’s closet” (desert wanderings, what have you.) However……

I lost my whole social circle, my Tribe, when I hightailed it out of the Church. And 8 years later, I have yet to replace it. I pondered it the long 5 hour car trip home. Realized that I can pray until I’m blue in the face, but that if I want to assemble a new Tribe, I need to actually leave the house and meet people.

So today I took a leap of faith.

I showed up for the first time at the Adult Writer’s group that meets at my local library. Didn’t have a single clue what sort of folks might be there. Went in trying to be prepared for anything from snooty professor types to crazy cat ladies. Got a little nervous when I first walked in and realized I was the youngest one there. By a lot. Also the most colorful – quite literally. Now that I dress my “outside” to better match my rediscovered inside, well, my quirkiness is much more evident. I won’t apologize for it anymore, but me oh my, it’s still hard to ignore the “looks”. And the fellow currently reading his writing selection sounded like he was working on a technical manual, or maybe a physics book. Yeesh.

Fortunately for both my self-esteem and my initiative I was very much cheered by the appearance a few minutes later of two ladies much closer to my own age. Was even more reassured when others started reading their chapters. I was reminded yet again of why I love words so much. Words reveal the soul. NOW I could settle in and feel comfortable, and also feel like I might have something to contribute.

But here’s where synchronicity kicked in and the Universe whispered Her reassurance to me. I discovered upon reading it that one of the ladies had embarked on a spiritual awakening/ journey the exact same year as me. Many similarities in our respective journeys too.

Leap of faith rewarded. Thanks, Universe…….