Monthly Archives: June 2011

Always check the sanity of your friends

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Hindsight is always 20/20.  And crazy is sometimes hard to detect at close range.  I keep tabs on my fbf (former best friend) through her website.  Ya, I know – but curiosity killed the cat and all that.  It reassures me that I did the right thing in leaving (first the fc – former church – and by default, her).  Having just read her latest bandwagon blitz I am certain that I have.  I used to tease her that she could sell ice to an Eskimo or sand to a person dying of thirst in the Sahara.  But it’s scary true.  And now she’s dragged a whole church into her crazy world.  Her causes very quickly become their causes (or missions).  After watching this woman cycle through at least a dozen “life missions” I am realizing that she’s not that different from a friend (long since lost touch with because of her numerous moves) who used to hatch “get-rich-quick” schemes.  The difference being *that* friend I knew was slightly crazy, and I made allowances for not falling for her schemes – also, her BF was a good friend too (very grounded) and helped reign her in.

I wish I could write a letter to my younger self -it would go something like this:

Hey kid,

Just remember, if you’re starting to feel like you’ve gone crazy, check whether your friend is taking her meds.  It will save you a lot of trouble and heartache.

Love,

Yourself

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Nine months – just like a baby…

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Wow. It’s been 9 months since I last did a post here – just like birthing a baby.  And just like a baby it feels as though something new is growing inside of me, waiting to be born.

Of course, the agonizing part is, just like being pregnant, this new thing comes with a crazy rollercoaster ride of mood swings.  Having been through actual pregnancy and birth 3 times I can attest that this feels very emotionally similar.

What is this thing being born within my soul? Well, truthfully, I’m not yet sure.  It’s sort of a Dark Night of the Soul combined with a Leaving Behind Evangelical Christianity, with a dash of Seeking the Divine Feminine and a large helping of Reclaiming my Self.  Or something like that.

Sometimes it pushes so strongly from the inside that I feel like I’ll go crazy if I don’t go *do* something.  Sort of an existential “itchy feet” wanderlust kind of feeling.  Other days I want to create my own little private sanctuary and go hide from the world (like today – it’s been a loooong concert/SOL/14 hour days kind of week).

It’s hard because, by it’s very nature, it’s not a communal experience.  I have been alone and lonely a lot.  It’s a journey without a guide or companions.  Books have been the closest thing to companions.  How does one take a journey with no map?  I don’t even know my destination, let alone when I might reach it.

And I’ve become more of a square peg than ever – I haven’t even shared the journey with my mother (not that she’s asked, but she wouldn’t understand).  I’ve been tentatively involved with but avoiding “our” new church.  Even the mainline Protestants in this part of the country are too Evangelical for my taste now.

I’ve explored (mostly through books) many different Faiths – Buddhism, Hinduism, Gnosticism, Wicca.  But I still feel like a little kid trying on somebody else’s clothes.  I can’t just pick up a new religion and go on my merry way.  I can’t just relent (or repent, or whatever) and pick up my old one either.  To deny everything I’ve learned and experienced these past two years and shove myself back in that mold (the good Christian wife and mother) would cause my soul to shrivel up and die, never to rise again.

So here I hang, in limbo.  I don’t *like* limbo. I was raised in a family where ambiguity was never discussed, and tolerated only when unavoidable.  I live in fear of the day some well meaning stranger brings up religion.  I expect I’ll either stand there with my mouth hanging open unable to speak, or else regale them with my life story.  My boundaries are all screwed up right now – I have to think really hard about how to “act normal”.  Normal flew out the window 2 years ago and hasn’t been seen since.

Good grief – if only I could figure out what to *call* myself that would help.  And I’m searching for a visible symbol that I can wear to remind me that I went on this unintended journey in the first place in order to *preserve* my sanity.

My husband thinks that the problem is that I’m too smart and I think too much.  Guess I’m in good company with all of history’s other “heretics” then….