Not feeling very Christmas-y this year

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I have another blog that I’ve been sadly neglecting – mostly because my thoughts have been piling up as I deal with some heavy family matters.  And now, two weeks before Christmas, I find the whole worldly Christmas celebration thing rather shallow compared to the deep things going on inside my mind and heart.

I am simultaneously dealing with my oldest (autistic) son starting the leading edge of puberty, my baby son (3) being evaluated for developmental delays, my best friend and spiritual mentor still almost completely ignoring me, our church hunt going nowhere, my faith severely faltering, and a sudden deep re-grieving for my dear father, now almost 5 years gone.

When people chirpily ask me “Have you finished your Christmas shopping?” I’m torn between smacking them and filling them in on my life.  Usually I simply tell them that I’ve been very busy this year with other more important things.  Quite honestly, presents and fluff and trimmings are so far from my mind this year.  My life has been whittled down to the bare bones.  And the best Christmas present for me would be to find out that my husband’s school district is not going to downsize his job out of existence.

My tattered scraps of faith are being spent on my husband and children and trying to hold our lives together.  I simply cannot face putting my Sunday-morning-churchgoing mask on and being perky and happy.  And there is no local body of Christ I feel safe in trusting.  My prayer-group moms are being the body of Christ for me right now, holding me up until I can stand again.  I cannot swallow sanctimonious sermons and hypocritical posing.  Even my own.

It would seem that God has seen fit to teach me all the things I can live without.

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