Aha! Maybe that’s it…


Part of the reason I started this blog was to ponder the series of bizarre dreams I had over the summer, and the interesting effect they’ve had on the direction of my spiritual journey.  Many of the dreams had imagery in them that has previously not shown up in my dreams.  One seemed to be a new recurring theme – that of the goblet or chalice.  A wise friend suggested that I was dreaming about the divine feminine.  Hmm…. I gotta tell you, there is little or no mention of any divine feminine in Evangelical Christianity.  I started doing some research into other religions and the history of religion itself.  I was stunned to find out that the divine feminine has been woven all throughout the history of mankind – yet it is strangely absent from modern mainline Christianity (and Islam, and Judiasm).

This knowledge puzzled, saddened, frightened, and worried me all at the same time.  I didn’t think I could just fling myself into some sort of pagan Goddess worship – and yet, I do find myself craving the comfort of a Divine Mother.  I kept reading.  And I stumbled upon a book by Joan Borysenko called “A Woman’s Journey to God”.   She suggested several things I found very helpful.  The one that really struck a chord in me was the fact that much of modern Christianity – the spiritual journey itself – is masculine in quality.  It is goal oriented, straight line, what she calls “Jacob’s ladder” thinking.

But the feminine sacred journey works out to be more circular, intuitive, folding in on itself – what she calls “Sarah’s circle”.  Perhaps I have been suffering not from a lack of faith or belief per se – but a lack of the right sort of spiritual journey for me.  I am not a goal driven, list driven, straight line sort of thinker.  I am a very intuitive, very creative, right-brained sort of thinker.  No wonder I have been so unhappy!  I have aligned myself with perhaps the most type A sort of group in the most type A sort of spirituality – a contemporary Evangelical Christian church.  Ohhh, can I tell you how many “God wants you to do these 4 things” or “5 steps to increasing your faith” sermons and teachings I have sat through?  Grrrr.

I am now seeing the shape of my new quest – both to seek a face of the Divine Feminine which resonates with me, and to figure out the particular expression of the faith that is in my heart.  I have a funny feeling it might not look anything like “typical church”.

Sometimes I wish that I could be a “normal” person – satisfied with an expression of faith that can be found in a typical church with all its sermons, lessons, Bible studies, services, and programs.  I have sampled quite a smorgasbord of that journey – and left still hungry.  I lamented this to my husband recently, and he said “It might be easier, but then you wouldn’t be you.”

So much of what passes for worship in the modern church has become for me just dust and ashes in the mouth – a very Ecclesiastes-like “meaningless, all is meaningless” sort of experience.  I find it hard to believe anymore that God is pleased by all the time and money spent on the perfect stage design, the perfect worship band, the flawless worship service.  Are they really any better or more meaningful than the rote ritual and empty prayers they replaced?

Maybe that is why all the churches I have been in lately have felt so empty of God no matter what style of worship they used. They are ALL based on that male-oriented goal driven build a tower up to the heavens (yeah, and how did God feel about that?) sort of spirituality.

Guess I’d better resign myself to the fact that continuing on this particular path will not allow to blend in, fit in, or be a people pleaser any longer.  Ah well, I suppose if I’m branded a heretic I’ll be in good company…


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