As my emotions have been bouncing around like a ping pong ball from angry to scared to depressed to just numb I’ve worked on nailing down the real cause so that I can figure out the possible solution. Over the years I’ve had lots of relationships (family, friends, boyfriends) with people who have left footprints on my heart – maybe even broken my heart or taken pieces of it with them when they left – by choice, by attrition, a few by death. In every case – even one very tumultuous one – I was able to grieve, separate, move on.
It’s been almost six months now, since my friend and mentor cut off all communication with me. Why, then, does this case feel different? Between yesterday and today it all finally came together in my mind. My dreams, my feelings, my thoughts all converged and I finally have words for what’s been done to me.
Friends and lovers can break or take pieces of your heart. But this friend, being also my spiritual mentor, has ripped away pieces of my soul and taken them with her. Being abandoned by her (right or wrong) feels like being abandoned by God. My head knows that’s not true, or even possible. My heart still struggles.
Not to mention, since music and singing are my lifeblood and my worship – and so much of the music we shared is now painful to me – I can’t help but feel she has also stolen my song. In all the ancient religions and mythology, it was believed that the world and everything in it was sung into existence. There was power in a song. There still is. Especially in one’s own song.
She stole my song. It wasn’t hers to take. I want it back…..